matinee

when i see you now

for the first time.

that shine -

this beautiful face

hinting at something lost.

a movie from years ago, maybe

or a dream?

a matinee set in the 50's,

that lead girl - the first crush.

washed out images, and that shine!

was it a dream,

a fantasy derived in a drug haze,

or are you her?

this is not the 50's, 

or make believe.

it is now,

and you are my matinee.

my first crush

all over again

play me a song

i used to be the sound of dead air.

intangible to all the senses.

a colorless shape of sorts.

sometimes moving,

but mostly not.

living on a breath of nothingness,

it was supposed to be the years

of mindless self indulgence.

but it was only mindless

years went by, as the years will do,

and that cruel and unusual boredom,

those joyless spaces,

somehow changed.

it wasn't me (i think?),

just the climate - the setting.

in me tonight is a small banjo.

i will dance

and tickle those devilish strings.

play me a song

-a sappy one i'm sure.

but it's better then silence.

good boy

so i'm sober

yep! completely clean

no more Xanax

good boy

no Vicodin

good good boy

no OxyContin

nope, not me

no more vomiting

no cramps or paranoia

no memory loss

hooray!

such a good boy i am

but i can't fucking write anymore, can i?

such a sober boy

sober sober boy,

with no words

is this what it is?

sober... no words?

bullshit, i say!