create + destroy

i can go mad, or call her up.
this time i call.
outside is the sound of heavy machinery.
what are they building?
the phone is ringing , ringing in my ear,
and i hope to god she wont pick up,
but i don't believe in god,
and it's ringing, ringing.
hello, she says, and i know i've fucked up,
but i can't stop,
and i tell her that i love her.
what? she asks.
i love you! i yell over the noise outside.
what are they tearing down?
she hangs up on me,
and i'm filled with shame.
the mechanics of creating and destroying
are often the same.
i spend the rest of the day by the window,
watching men in yellow hats do what they do.

new man

my ex (the last one), called me up the other day.

"how are you?"

"oh me? don't you worry about me", i said,

"i'm just fine."

- it was almost true anyway.

"you?"

"my new man" she started, and

i knew i should have never asked.

she went on for roughly a half hour

about how far superior her new man

is to me.

good lord, i thought, and opened a beer

- one of many that night.

as it turns out,

he is not only better in bed, and better looking,

but also has more money than me

(which, granted, doesn't say much).

i wanted to tell her that i've found someone new,

but i haven't.

i wanted to argue with her,

but knew she would pick me apart,

with complex and confusing arguments

that would leave me blabbering like a little baby.

so, instead i said:

"that's great, baby. i'm happy for you".

- it was almost true anyway.

then i drank another beer

- one of many that night.

absinth hangover

woke up hard today.

with a bellyfull of absinth,

and unease.

resting at the edge of the bed,

i laugh.

something inside me is not right.

my soul, i think.

that thing that makes me me,

feels heavy.

hearing my own laughter

always makes me sad,

and i stumble to the bathroom.

my mirror is broken.

it is bleeding from its cracks,

reflecting some violence.

violence that is in me,

violence i don't know.

i have been here before,

but this time, i think,

maybe this time i won't be alright?

somewhere, gone

the perfect relationship

i had it

i had it in my head

we never got to fuck it up

it was nothing more than a still picture

framed,

and left to collect dust

it's gone now

it's somewhere, gone

if that sounds crazy, i'm crazy

and that is very possible